What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 15:04
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Have you ever been forced to dress like a girl?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I couldn’t, believe it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Can you summarize season 1 of "The Acolyte"?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why do I want to suck cock tonight?
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
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She was in good health!
I was scared of men, in general
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
What's the most valuable lesson you've learned in life, and how has it impacted your journey so far?
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When she asked me how she looked .
How do flat Earthers explain the existence of other spherical planets?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
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My life is so biszare .
I was seconnd youngest,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Who then, do I blame.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Ive learnt so much.
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Put me off passion for life!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She found it foreign!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i lived it daily.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I waited trembling.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So, i spoilt her more .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He resisted the act ,that day.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I said to her
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We were not on the streets..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But it wasn’t much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I have no regrets .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I write beautiful poetry .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was very sick at this time too.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!